- There’s a post half written I’m struggling to finish.
- Guilt…so much guilt has surfaced in the past few days. I’m the queen of self deprecation and I know there are times I’m far too hard on myself…but this time…my mind is completely clear. I wasn’t in the dip of depression, I wasn’t in that mopey, deep, dark place of self-hating and rage. I was just analysing and reminiscing and it hit me. Once I’d picked at that seam it all came crumbling down. Maybe with a few rum and coke’s in me the post will come a little more smoothly!
- Change…it’s started to grow on me. This is a HUGE leap in my personal development! I suspect if I were to go back and read my own posts from 2 or 3 years ago I’d be gob-smacked at how my reaction to change has matured. yikes!!
- That said…I have a long way to go. I’m less rigid but by no means loose and carefree on the change of environment front.
- I think: moving across the world, enduring living out of a suitcase, switching between hotels/apartments/houses four times before finally settling down…has definitely forced me to be a little more tolerant to change…but I was never going to be the kind of gal who backpacks her way through Europe.
- Mitch starts his new job in London on Monday…its official. It’s real now! and its imminent!!
- I’m hoping we can stay here until the end of this Half-Term so the boys can have some closure with school. Nothing is definite though.
- Weeks and weeks of packing boxes to come, searching for decent areas to live in that won’t drive me mad and have good schools, organising viewings, moving van, dealing with real estate agents and school’s again (aargh!)…exhausting!
- Packing is going to seem like such a cinch this time around. This time last year we were taking car load after car load of clothing, books and general crap to life-line. We were freecycling stuff (my personal fav was when we traded our bogan-bomby-commodore for a carton of beer) and packing away every thing of value we had accumulated over 6 years. In comparison, 12 months of stuff that began with only one suitcase per person is going to be a walk in the park. Still disruptive and time-consuming though!
- Low Carb…Things got pretty bad on the weight front. I ended up back at 79.7kg’s. I’m clinging to that 70-something. It was horrid to see but not surprising considering my eating. I remember when I saw that 79 on the scales when I had been losing weight for 6 months…I was so thrilled (remembering I started at 85)! Here I am back at that point, feeling like a heifer and cringing at how quickly I landed back here.
- I calorie counted last time and I know it works. Unfortunately at this point in time I have to accept my self-control is shite and I’m not working the plan as I should. I decided to give low-carb a go. Yes I’ve screwed up my nose at low-carb since researching nutrition and weight loss in January 2009….BUT I have to do something different and shake things up or I’m going to keep sinking.
- I know it doesn’t sound like much but any fellow chocoholics will understand how big a deal this is; I haven’t eaten chocolate for exactly 7 days!!! 7 DAYS!!! zomg!! On a normal day I will eat a 100g block of 70% cocoa chocolate if not more. Even when calorie counting I think the best I did was 2 to 3 days without a piece of chocolate.
- This week has opened my eyes to how addicted to sugar I really am.
- I weighed in this morning. Slight disclaimer: My water intake has been atrocious this week and I’m certain a chunk of my weight loss is water weight. I weighed in at 77.3kg’s.
- Looking at my body and the fit of my pants, I think realistically I could only have lost 1kg at the most so we’ll see how I go this week.
- Gaawd it was good to see the scale go down again though. Such a relief!!
Category: Weight Loss
Shite
Weighed in this morning: 77.4kg’s
Fuckity fuck fuck!!
I’m back to the weight I was at after a week of Christmas eating…..only there was no special occasion to warrant my ridiculous food choices and eating in excess……I just sat on my behind and did it.
Stupid, stupid, STUPID!
….help
Crappity Crap Crap…
I had a horrible day of bingeing today.
…and I’m not exaggerating!
I haven’t binged like this in over a year. I’ve had little indiscretions and some REALLY bad food choices but nothing like this…not since I took control of this shit and started working at being healthier!
I ate:
- 2 chocolate ice cream cones (“Drumstick” style for Aussie readers)
- An entire box of mini chocolate eclairs (20 of them, 87 calories each)
- An entire box of mini cheese cakes (12 of them, 50 calories each)
- An entire packet of corn chips
that covers the main bingeing section of the day and was eaten in one sitting….on top of that I ate some pretty shitty meals for breaky and lunch and skipped dinner. I’ve just finished a glass of port to finish off my day.
Arrgh!
Horrible, horrible, horrible.
I’m scared shitless! I’m sliding…..and every time I think I’m recovering and pulling myself together I screw up. This is the biggest screw up in a long time….so what’s next???
I need a gym…I desperately need a gym! I wish I could just go for a walk and feel good about myself but I can’t get past the feeling that I’ll be the fat chick walking the streets and the world will be staring at me, ridiculing me. *slap*
Why oh why…
…do I always fall into the same pattern of shitty eating??
aaargh!
To recap on my weight:
- Start of 2009: Weighed in at my heaviest, a hefty 85kg’s (for the record this is also my highest weight whilst PREGNANT! yes…that was my 37+5wks pregnant weight only this time I was carrying a bucket load of fat, not a baby).
- From January to May 2009 I lost 8kg’s
- May to December 2009: There were up’s and down’s (had access to a gym for a very short period of time whilst living in an apartment in London accounting for some “downs” and Christmas 2009 accounting for some “ups” and a few fluctuations during the rest of the time with emotional eating and flights of exercise fancy hitting me momentarily)…I weighed myself on arriving home from our holiday in Scotland and I was about 77kg’s
- January 2010 to Present: Starting weight was 76.8kg’s
- Over 6 weeks of healthy eating I managed to lose 1.3kg’s and then as of my most recent weigh in gain 1.1kg’s back.
- Bloody hell!!
I get freaking bored with sticking to anything. Now my immediate thought is, crappity crap crap I suck at falling back into old habits……..However. I’m going to go ahead and give myself some credit.
Over the past 3 or 4 years I’ve changed loads of things in my diet and lifestyle. In fact it probably goes back even further then that. When I think of the kind of food I ate back when I lived with my parents and before I got married…I’ve changed immensely.
- I cut out soft drink
- I started eating wholemeal/whole grain pasta, bread, flour
- I cut out sugar in my coffee/tea
- I started eating breakfast (I don’t know how the heck I did it when I was in school….I’d go to school having only a cup of coffee on my stomach and then I wouldn’t eat lunch. I would then go home after school and binge on crap. Eat dinner. Snack until bedtime. All the while thinking that was perfectly okay? How lucky was I that I wasn’t a heifer! That came later!).
- I replaced milk chocolate with dark chocolate (75-85% cocoa)…let me just state that a life without chocolate is not an option for me….so it was a matter of replacing it with something slightly healthier…there will never be an elimination of chocolate from my diet! never ever EVER! soooo not going to happen.
- I cut out fast food.
- I learned to cook meals from scratch (I grew up in a Kantong, Chicken Tonight pre-made sauce household….that’s what we ate every night so I’d never been exposed to proper cooking).
- Banned myself from eating in the car. This one used to be a huge binge eating trigger. I’d scoff down an abominable amount of food whilst driving, pretty much every day for a very long time. Huge contributor to my weight gain.
- Joined the gym and got my fitness up to an okay level.
Things I’ve tried and failed at (for me that generally means I changed these things for 2 or so weeks and then threw in the towel).
- Water intake (I’ve tried and failed soooo many times on this one over the years. I actually like water and I’ve tried every suggestion for incorporating it into my lifestyle….these plans of attack definitely work….but I stop working them at some point).
- More fruit and veg. I serve it up to my kids and encourage them to eat healthy…..but I fall hopelessly short on this one!
- Not eating before bed
- Emotional eating. When I’m stressed out I head for the fridge or the cupboards. If I’ve had an argument with one of the kidlets my brain screams at me to get something in my gob. When I’ve turned into the moody monster and I just want to hermit, not be touched and not be spoken to I want to eat like nobodies business until I’m so full I feel like I might explode. I am definitely more aware of these triggers now and I realise what I’m doing when it hits. I still give in a lot of the time but at least I’ve acknowledged it’s a problem!
Yes I’ve come a long way…..but its been a very slow process. I feel stagnant! I feel like I can’t get the rest of this weight off without the gym. The problem is food is my crutch and its a slippery slope. With the gym right around the corner from home if I fucked up and ate a bucket load of brownies I’d drag myself to the gym and try desperately to burn the fuckers off before they killed my results for the week. The gym gave me a direct message about energy in, energy out….if I had to work my arse off to make up for the food I’d binged on then there was action taken by ME to counteract my original action. It made me accountable to myself. Without the gym to solve my over eating dilemma I just feel horrid and depressed when ever I do something silly. Aaargh!
This morning I was run off my feet getting the boys ready and off to school. We’d had a week off from the school run so it was all a bit hectic. I forgot to have breakfast. I even forgot my morning coffee (oh noes!) and once I’d dropped them off I had already planned to head straight to the grocery store to do a full shop. You see where I’m going with this? Shopping with an empty stomach is NEVER a smart move.
To cut a long story short, I ate a whole container of chocolate brownies and some shortbread caramel thingies in the car on the way home.
Yes, two of the things I have overcome! Not eating breakfast and not eating in the car. Fucked up with both of them today.
I’m right on the cusp of slipping down that slope into over eating and weight gain. I’m still okay, I haven’t really started heading back toward 85kg’s…..but I can feel it. If I’m not vigilant now its all going to fall to pieces.
I don’t want to fall to pieces. I want to be strong and motivated. I want to be a better me. I’m sick of food controlling me like this.
What I’ve Eaten Today, #3
Breakfast
- Weet-a-bix x 2 – 127 calories
- Semi Skim Milk x100mL’s – 50 calories
- Coffee+milk+vanilla – 20 calories
Lunch (Binge Alert!!!!! I think the list speaks for itself)
- Crackers x 10 – 330 calories
- Hummus x 200g – 351 calories
- Green & Black Raisin and Hazelnut Chocolate x 100g – 556 calories
- Miscellaneous – 100 calories
Dinner
- Salad (lettuce x 1cup – 7, cherry tomatoes x 5 – 15, mushroom x 2 – 8, carrot x 1 medium – 25) – 55 calories
TOTAL
- 1589 calories
Other
- Merlot x 1 glass – 150 calories
Chaotically Rambling 